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THE ENGINEER'S GHOST
(Being the true story behind the great exodus)
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It was Christmas Eve in the Boardroom,
Engineers rolled on the floor,
Executives stood by the cupboard
And offered each other "One More".
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Then up spoke the General Manager,
In a voice both heart.y and hale,
"Now who will tell us a story,
Yes, who will tell us a tale"
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But quiet fell upon the company,
Hushed were the voices gay,
Till a draughtsman sat up in a comer
Saying, "The chap we want is Frank Gray".
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So they dragged him from under the table
And plied him with whisky and gin,
"Come tell us a tale of the old days,
Of Dukes and Duchesses and sin".
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Now Frank had a very long memory,
So he cast his mind back fifty years,
Until he remembered a story
That would set them all back by the ears,
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"I was courting a maid here called Fanny,
I thought she was as pure as pure,
But though she said that she loved me
She fancied the butler much more.
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"I crept one night to her window,
To gaze on her out of the gloom,
And then I saw to my horror
That she'd got this man in her room,
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"The butler, the dirty old scoundrel,
Had gone there that very same night
And, shameless, had turned up the mantle
For he liked his fanny by Gaslight.
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"He fell to caressing her bosom.
The sight made me gibber with rage,
So I went and fetched me an airgun
And vowed on them war I would rage,
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"When I got back he'd left off caressing,
Their play was more deeply involved.
So I bided my time for a target,
Till at last my problem was solved,
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"I pointed the gun through the window,
And then let him have it, just one
Right in the seat of the trousers,
Except that he hadn't them on,
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"He leapt up as in a convulsion,
A quivering under the pain,
And Fanny, the naughty young hussey
Said, "0 lovely! Do it again".
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"Always willing to oblige a lady,
I fired at the same spot once more.
But this was too much for the butler,
Who let out a terrible roar.
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"The commotion aroused the whole household.
They arrived in ten seconds or less
And said, "Fanny, whatever is happening".
Though one or two of them could guess.
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"But the butler leapt out of the window
And scuttled away like a hare,
While Fanny, the deceitful young baggage,
Said she must have had a nightmare.
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"So no one was ever suspected,
For none of us ever did speak,
Though the butler, he moved rather stiffly,
And couldn't sit down for a week.
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"When he came to the end of his story
The applause it was loud, it was long,
Then tales followed thickly thereafter
Till somebody burst into song.
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The singing went on for some hours
On subjects increasingly broad.
Louder and louder they shouted,
Lustily forth they were roared.
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But right at the height of the revels
A voice from without could be heard,
And a spectre appeared through the ceiling
In a shroud and three day's growth of beard.
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They cowered away in a corner,
Away from the wraith they did shrink.
But the ghost merely turned to the cupboard
To take a cigar and a drink.
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This nourishment seemed to revive it;
It assumed a more corporeal form,
Then turning towards the company
It spoke in a voice like a storm.
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"You're disturbing the peace of the living,
You've wakened me up from the dead.
Now I've come back to haunt all you sinners;
Once more you will hold me in dread,"
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The voice, it was gruff and familiar,
One that they had all leamt to fear,
They cried out with awe-stricken horror,
"Tis the shade of our Chief Engineer."
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" Engineer-in-Charge, we did call him,
Though in charge of what we're not sure,
Now he's back when we thought him at Welwyn,
Lord help us. What has fate in store."
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From that day forth he did haunt them,
He haunted by morn noon and night.
For all that they tried to evade him,
There were none that were safe in his sight.
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He crept into the laboratories,
Telling engineers where they were wrong.
While the draughtsmen, they fled in a body,
Snapped up by Smith's for a song.
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Progress reversed and went backwards,
Maintenance went by the board,
The Planners had two-headed kittens,
As the ghost among them he toured.
- Some prayed for their souls in the Abbey,
Others, they just took to drink.
Those that weren't mad soon became so,
There was nothing from which they did shrink.
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Seeking escape in wild orgies,
They organised parties, quite lewd,
Where the dancers stripped off their panties
And galloped around in the nude.
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The executives, they got together
And said, "This will not do.
If we cannot get rid of this fellow,
We really and truly are through."
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They sent for the Personnel Manager
And said, 'Can't you give him the sack .
But he only said, 'If we did that
The Union would make him come back'.
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Their meeting went on for some hours.
The ghost fortunately did not attend.
Till at last an answer was thought of,
"We'll pack up and go to Southend"
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The trek started off as a trickle,
Though some few rushed off unawares.
While those that were left grew more fearful
And took to keeping in pairs.
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But the ghost did not hinder their moving,
He seemed almost glad to be rid.
Or perhaps he thought that the chaos
Was sufficient from what they all did»
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So now if you travel to Malmesbury
Beware, though he won't really harm.
For they left him some fires and some blankets
And he sits there alone keeping warm.
"SPY" 1984
Eric Cayless
Cowbridge Ballad
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